A struggle of mine: it is verrrry difficult to find imagery of someone looking content in their own company.
Hi friends,
I wanted to do an open comments thread (that means open to everyone: both paid & free subscribers) on a subject close to my heart: alone time. As most of you know, I wrote a non-fiction book about the joy of alone time, which was published last year, and for the past three years (time flies) I’ve hosted a podcast around the same topic. I even coined and, er, trademarked my own word for positive time alone: alonement.
Your first and last relationship is with yourself, and that’s just as valid if you’re single as if you’re married with 2.4 kids and a Labrador.
My initial attraction to this topic wasn’t that of an introvert wanting to defending their love of solitude; much the opposite. I’m an extrovert, for whom alone time once felt as natural as writing with my non-dominant (left) hand. Some days, that remains the case.
And yet the inconvenient realisation I had, back in 2018 (and yes, there was a break-up involved), was this: the ability to value some alone time – in little or large amounts – is an essential skill in a life where your first and last relationship is with yourself, and that’s just as valid if you’re single as if you’re married with 2.4 kids and a Labrador. Even more inconveniently, practising alonement changed my life for the better – hence my relentless fascination with the subject, which many of you share.
Something I’ve learnt: enjoying alone time is, actually, pretty damn complicated. There’s the introvert/extrovert thing, for a start (not to mention the ‘ambivert’ status some identify with), and it’s apparently genetic – so your predisposition to avoid/enjoy office Christmas parties, say, may be inherent. There’s also new research that your enjoyment of alone time depends on your attitude towards it: a study from the University of Buffalo found that those who seek alone time as an opportunity to ‘recharge’ will enjoy socialising later on the same day, while those who associate it with a fear of social interaction are more likely to just feel lonely.
We all have different relationships with alone time. In some cases, that might be genetic, in others it’s to do with our respective upbringing or wider community values. Or perhaps your relationship with alone time has altered, due to a change in life stage (for instance, you might have never thought much about solitude until living alone); family/friendship dynamics; professional set-up; or relationship status. You might have days where you love and then despise alone time, dependent on the hour (I have).
All I know for certain is that it helps to share. Ironically, it’s through talking about alone time – its highs and its lows, its joys and its obstacles – that we can help each other to embrace it.
I mostly relish my alone time at present, and I find these days I can wind up pretty grumpy if I have been wildly social most days of the week/done a lot of time at work! Alone now holds connotations of not-lonely, and self reliance, and almost serving a definite need for solitude for me.
Definitely hasn't always been the case - when I first took a long break from dating I really struggled with Saturday nights and Sunday nights, partly because those had historically been date nights/together nights in my last relationship and I also felt like there's a social expectation to be doing things/socialising of a Saturday night. Now I'm just like, eh, it's another night, and mine to spend however serves me best, and a good opportunity to check in with myself - do I feel like heading to the gym on a Friday night to enjoy the relative peace and quiet while I work out, do I need some quiet time reading on the couch, do I want to make an evening of it at home with a record on trying out a new recipe. I still find Easter long weekend is a time of year I find hard to spend alone - again, partial hangover from my last relationship when this was a chance for couple-time going out for a nice dinner or cooking in the kitchen. I'm still not great at Easter alone time 3 years on, but I focus hard on spending time with friends and making good new memories that way.
I also think dinner alone, when you're not travelling but hanging out in your home town, or lord! going to a cocktail bar alone for a drink! - can be really hard and make you feel super vulnerable/wanting to hide behind a book, and I honestly haven't learnt to be entirely comfortable with those yet. But I can report I had a sensational two-course meal with wine at a restaurant a few months back where the service was warm, and lovely, and attentive, and made me feel just as special as any of the other diners, so... it gets easier the more I practice :)
Hi Sarah! I love how you've described that shift towards 'Not-lonely and self-reliance' (I certainly get the feeling of being 'grumpy' without much solo time... and e.g. on group holidays, where you just need that hour or so...).
Oh, and I'm SO with you on the Friday night workout... that's my favourite time to exercise too, and such a nice start to the weekend! The peace of a quiet gym on a Friday (and the occasional exchange of glances with like-minded people... we all know what we're up to).
I think it's that you've identified even those tricker times to be alone are a hangover from your last relationship. That's so normal and probably not many of us realise that it's just our brain forming patterns/making connections subconsciously with those other time. And good to be able to anticipate those trouble-times and plan time with friends, if that's what you need to enjoy Easter right now – not every time is a good time to be solo.
Finally, that two-course dinner with wine sounds glorious. Totally agree it's a hard thing to do, particularly in the anticipation I feel (it's a little like cold water swimming I've found, once you're 'in' ie comfortably sat at a table and familiarising yourself with the environment, it feels much better... don't know if that's been your experience but sounds like it was a few months back!).
My relationship with alone time is romanticized? My partner of 8 years and I just got married and moved in together all at the same time just 3 months ago and we definitely value and respect each others alone time. So in those terms its very healthy! However when I’m alone I usually end up binging some show on Netflix… and pushing aside anything I wanted to do in my alone time. I lack self discipline and time management in my alone time. I often fantasize on how I’ll spend my alone time which is 2 hours most evening after work but once the telly goes on… all of those dreams and ambitions for the evening are down the drain.
It’s also that sometimes I feel like my alone time wasn’t quality enough because maybe a thing or two in the space is out of its place and like previously mentioned I’ve romanticized this idea of spending time alone in a perfect room, with a perfect candle and a book in my lap.. so I guess all in all it’s tricky? I hope that this makes sense!
Hi Namra, thanks so much for sharing! Firstly, congratulations to you and your partner on making the step to marry and move in together… and equally so that you’re able to give each other healthy alone time, I head time and time again from people saying that’s the cornerstone of their healthy relationship in general (having space) - sounds like you guys have nailed it!
The romanticisation of alone time… that’s such a ‘should’ in itself, isn’t it! It makes me thing of hygge and how it was this impossible standard of cosy. I wonder where those ‘Shoulds’ come from about how alone time should look… also, totally relate about things being out of place, often at my flat I feel I’m leaping about trying to make everything look orderly before I relax, whereas with another person there I suppose you focus on them. Either way, thanks for this perspective and definitely fuel for further conversations on here! Francesca
I had a great alone time evening yesterday - one of those romanticized one where I read by candle light. I also called my parents, did laundry and ate canned soup, so I guess it was a good mix of the pragmatic and the romantic.
I definitely need more alone time since starting a new job as a physician where I talk to people all day. So it works out well that my partner is often out on Tuesday night and I can recharge by myself.
I haven’t struggled with alone time in a while, and I think that is due to introvert tendencies and the fact that I’m in a stable relationship and can also rely on my friendships and family - so I know I’m alone by choice and can fully enjoy it.
Love this description… pragmatic and romantic! These things definitely go together (and doing laundry always feels like gentle self love!). Congratulations on the new job, that’s so exciting (and nice that you and your partner have natural phases of alone time built into your week that way). That’s such a self aware point about that stability underpinning your ability to spend time comfortably alone, too. It’s how we learn to do it from childhood after all… knowing someone is close by, even if metaphorically!
I mostly relish my alone time at present, and I find these days I can wind up pretty grumpy if I have been wildly social most days of the week/done a lot of time at work! Alone now holds connotations of not-lonely, and self reliance, and almost serving a definite need for solitude for me.
Definitely hasn't always been the case - when I first took a long break from dating I really struggled with Saturday nights and Sunday nights, partly because those had historically been date nights/together nights in my last relationship and I also felt like there's a social expectation to be doing things/socialising of a Saturday night. Now I'm just like, eh, it's another night, and mine to spend however serves me best, and a good opportunity to check in with myself - do I feel like heading to the gym on a Friday night to enjoy the relative peace and quiet while I work out, do I need some quiet time reading on the couch, do I want to make an evening of it at home with a record on trying out a new recipe. I still find Easter long weekend is a time of year I find hard to spend alone - again, partial hangover from my last relationship when this was a chance for couple-time going out for a nice dinner or cooking in the kitchen. I'm still not great at Easter alone time 3 years on, but I focus hard on spending time with friends and making good new memories that way.
I also think dinner alone, when you're not travelling but hanging out in your home town, or lord! going to a cocktail bar alone for a drink! - can be really hard and make you feel super vulnerable/wanting to hide behind a book, and I honestly haven't learnt to be entirely comfortable with those yet. But I can report I had a sensational two-course meal with wine at a restaurant a few months back where the service was warm, and lovely, and attentive, and made me feel just as special as any of the other diners, so... it gets easier the more I practice :)
Hi Sarah! I love how you've described that shift towards 'Not-lonely and self-reliance' (I certainly get the feeling of being 'grumpy' without much solo time... and e.g. on group holidays, where you just need that hour or so...).
Oh, and I'm SO with you on the Friday night workout... that's my favourite time to exercise too, and such a nice start to the weekend! The peace of a quiet gym on a Friday (and the occasional exchange of glances with like-minded people... we all know what we're up to).
I think it's that you've identified even those tricker times to be alone are a hangover from your last relationship. That's so normal and probably not many of us realise that it's just our brain forming patterns/making connections subconsciously with those other time. And good to be able to anticipate those trouble-times and plan time with friends, if that's what you need to enjoy Easter right now – not every time is a good time to be solo.
Finally, that two-course dinner with wine sounds glorious. Totally agree it's a hard thing to do, particularly in the anticipation I feel (it's a little like cold water swimming I've found, once you're 'in' ie comfortably sat at a table and familiarising yourself with the environment, it feels much better... don't know if that's been your experience but sounds like it was a few months back!).
Thanks for sharing those wonderful thoughts!
My relationship with alone time is romanticized? My partner of 8 years and I just got married and moved in together all at the same time just 3 months ago and we definitely value and respect each others alone time. So in those terms its very healthy! However when I’m alone I usually end up binging some show on Netflix… and pushing aside anything I wanted to do in my alone time. I lack self discipline and time management in my alone time. I often fantasize on how I’ll spend my alone time which is 2 hours most evening after work but once the telly goes on… all of those dreams and ambitions for the evening are down the drain.
It’s also that sometimes I feel like my alone time wasn’t quality enough because maybe a thing or two in the space is out of its place and like previously mentioned I’ve romanticized this idea of spending time alone in a perfect room, with a perfect candle and a book in my lap.. so I guess all in all it’s tricky? I hope that this makes sense!
Thanks,
Namra :)
Hi Namra, thanks so much for sharing! Firstly, congratulations to you and your partner on making the step to marry and move in together… and equally so that you’re able to give each other healthy alone time, I head time and time again from people saying that’s the cornerstone of their healthy relationship in general (having space) - sounds like you guys have nailed it!
The romanticisation of alone time… that’s such a ‘should’ in itself, isn’t it! It makes me thing of hygge and how it was this impossible standard of cosy. I wonder where those ‘Shoulds’ come from about how alone time should look… also, totally relate about things being out of place, often at my flat I feel I’m leaping about trying to make everything look orderly before I relax, whereas with another person there I suppose you focus on them. Either way, thanks for this perspective and definitely fuel for further conversations on here! Francesca
I had a great alone time evening yesterday - one of those romanticized one where I read by candle light. I also called my parents, did laundry and ate canned soup, so I guess it was a good mix of the pragmatic and the romantic.
I definitely need more alone time since starting a new job as a physician where I talk to people all day. So it works out well that my partner is often out on Tuesday night and I can recharge by myself.
I haven’t struggled with alone time in a while, and I think that is due to introvert tendencies and the fact that I’m in a stable relationship and can also rely on my friendships and family - so I know I’m alone by choice and can fully enjoy it.
Love this description… pragmatic and romantic! These things definitely go together (and doing laundry always feels like gentle self love!). Congratulations on the new job, that’s so exciting (and nice that you and your partner have natural phases of alone time built into your week that way). That’s such a self aware point about that stability underpinning your ability to spend time comfortably alone, too. It’s how we learn to do it from childhood after all… knowing someone is close by, even if metaphorically!