I’ve been asked by multiple outlets this week, including Vogue Scandinavia and Cosmopolitan – to comment on the ‘struggle’ of being single at this time of year. While I appreciate that the official Day of Romance can be difficult (I hesitate to use the cliche ‘triggering’, but that too) as a single person, and I’ve certainly felt like that in the past, what I don’t think gets publicised enough is the pressure this day can put on relationships…
Personally, my worst February 14ths have occurred during coupled-up years:
A heated, public argument while on holiday (a decade later, and it’s still mortifying)
A bout of food poisoning
A surprise reservation at a fancy fusion restaurant that might have been romantic if I wasn’t convinced that person would break up with me the following day (reader, he did)
Each of these scenarios was awful precisely because of Valentine’s Day which, much like Christmas, is a time of Shoulds. Of conflicting expectations. Of unnatural behaviour. Of game-playing and setting little tests. Of the pressure to stay in a relationship beyond its sell-by date (never stay together with someone just because of a special occasion, folks – this Call Her Daddy podcast episode explains it better than I).
Some people – some couples – step up to this kind of occasion, taking it beyond its capitalist origins and using it as an opportunity for a little mid-week romance. But in many other cases, this month-long crescendo of cutesy marketing creates a pressure cooker, one which has the potential for conflict or disappointment. Ironically (given how much media commentary I’ve given this week), today is when I feel happiest not to be in an established relationship – because I know from hindsight that pressure has never served me and my partners of yore. Instead, I’m heading to a BYOT (bring your own toppings) Galentine’s pizza party tonight, and the most emotional labour I’ve done is deciding between parma ham or anchovies as my go-to topping.
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Having spent Valentine’s Day on both sides of the fence, romantic status wise, has served me well. What I’ve learnt over the years is that, at times where you can’t help but feel the creep of external pressures taking you further and further from the reality of your relationship, it’s best to keep things as a simple as possible.
If that were a personal concern today, I’d suggest mainlining a Valentine’s special Marks & Spencer Dine In for Two with my significant other (non-UK readers – do you have an equivalent? I really hope so!) – or else, I’d be happy to spend it with friends (as I’ve done for the past four years) or alone. While there are many romantic things I’d like to happen someday – an extravagant Valentine’s Day is no longer one of them.
My questions for you…
Do you like, or loathe, Valentine’s Day, and why?
If you’re single, does today make you reflect on your relationship status?
If you have a partner, how have you navigated this occasion over the years?
What’s the most memorable Valentine’s Day you’ve ever had, and why?
What do you have planned (if anything) for today – with friends, a partner, alone?
I’ve never been into Valentine’s Day. Even as a child, I found it baffling. People writing cards to themselves and having massive rows over not getting petrol garage flowers. I was once proposed to Valentine’s Day at restaurant just minutes after the proposer had been having a go at me. I then had to paint a smile on my face and say yes. Then I went to the bathroom and tried to work out if I could climb out the window.
This is my 17th Valentine’s with my husband--no, it’s not that dodgy ex--and neither of us give two shits about it *and* we’re very happy. I’m not knocking anyone who does enjoy it, but I don’t enjoy commercially prescribed anxiety and pressure, plus I can celebrate my relationship any day of the year by being in it and appreciating it.
When people lose the plot over today, it reminds me of when Homer Simpson thought he had to have an affair because the fortune cookie told him to. Nope!
Hi Natalie, you were a very independently-minded child to feel that so early on!! And I'm gawping at that proposal story, talk about memorable...I imagine quite a strange time to propose to you, particularly if you've never bonded with the day. 'Commercially prescribed anxiety' is a great way of putting it, and great to get a perspective from a long-term relationship. Oh and that Simpsons reference = just brilliant. Thanks for sharing!
Haha- i literalluy only remembered when reading this comment that my husband proposed to me on valentines day! We don't go in for big celebrations but it is also the anniversary of when we met which is why he chose it. I completely forgot about it because my brain is fried and I don;t even know what day it is. He marked the occasion by wearing the aftershave from our wedding day, which I only noticed because he had somehow managed to contaminate my coffee cup with it! Who says romance is dead after 21 years together!😂
The aftershave from your wedding day...oof! It really is those small details that are so romantic, isn't it? How lovely – I hope you had a wonderful celebration. And how funny to meet on Valentine's Day too!
I didn't have the heart to tell him I think it's gone rancid! Or maybe thats just because it was in my coffee 🤔 We met in a dingy night club where we were both out on seperate anti-Valentines nights out with our mates!😂
Valentine's Day is my birthday, which probably means I put greater significance on it than a lot of people, but not because of the very capitalist, heteronormative Official Day of Romance reasons. Although I'd have loved to spend the day with my girlfriend, the reality is that we're in a long distance relationship, so I got the train down to visit them at the weekend for an early celebration. They gave me my birthday presents, I gave them a silly card with very heartfelt words in it, and we spent the weekend talking, cuddling, watching Taskmaster and generally just spending time together.
Yesterday was a very chill day. I had a lie in, opened some presents, had a lovely hot shower, and then had my last therapy appointment of fourteen compassion-focussed therapy sessions. After lunch I had a nap, then walked into the centre of town because H&M had emailed me a 25% off code for my birthday, and I'd been using the 'round up' feature on my Monzo account to save up for a shirt I wanted from them. I popped into my local queer indie bookshop to buy myself some books and had a lovely chat to the owner who was the bookseller on duty, and then got the bus home for an M&S Dine In for Two meal (I get to eat the other half today!) while listening to a podcast. I went to bed early after reading for a bit. It was a lovely day - not special, just a nice, chill day off where I didn't put pressure on myself to work or answer emails.
Thanks for sharing, Quinn (and happy belated birthday!)– sounds like you had a lovely, relaxed weekend ahead of time and then a really full & nourishing day yesterday, I loved reading about everything that you did: a nap, books, therapy, podcasts, gifts and self-gifts – what more could you want! Equally, the M&S Dine in for Two meal split over two days – genius! As someone who lives alone, I liked that as inspiration.
A friend and i happened to see a show tonight and knew we might struggle to find somewhere to eat quickly beforehand. That is the only way in which the day had registered with me. We went into a tiny, noisy Korean barbecue bar where everyone was cheek by jowl mostly seated in a row along the bar. It was quite funny and sweet that there were a few couples in there, quite young & cool, with one half clutching a bunch of flowers, though no chance of a romantic tête-à-tête and no pink heart shaped desserts or rip-off set menu. It made me feel well disposed towards the day although I would never take part myself.
Love a Korean barbecue set-up! What a fun way to enjoy yesterday (As you say with a heart-shaped premium!) - that sounds lovely, I hope the show was good too.
I’ve never been into Valentine’s Day. Even as a child, I found it baffling. People writing cards to themselves and having massive rows over not getting petrol garage flowers. I was once proposed to Valentine’s Day at restaurant just minutes after the proposer had been having a go at me. I then had to paint a smile on my face and say yes. Then I went to the bathroom and tried to work out if I could climb out the window.
This is my 17th Valentine’s with my husband--no, it’s not that dodgy ex--and neither of us give two shits about it *and* we’re very happy. I’m not knocking anyone who does enjoy it, but I don’t enjoy commercially prescribed anxiety and pressure, plus I can celebrate my relationship any day of the year by being in it and appreciating it.
When people lose the plot over today, it reminds me of when Homer Simpson thought he had to have an affair because the fortune cookie told him to. Nope!
Hi Natalie, you were a very independently-minded child to feel that so early on!! And I'm gawping at that proposal story, talk about memorable...I imagine quite a strange time to propose to you, particularly if you've never bonded with the day. 'Commercially prescribed anxiety' is a great way of putting it, and great to get a perspective from a long-term relationship. Oh and that Simpsons reference = just brilliant. Thanks for sharing!
Haha- i literalluy only remembered when reading this comment that my husband proposed to me on valentines day! We don't go in for big celebrations but it is also the anniversary of when we met which is why he chose it. I completely forgot about it because my brain is fried and I don;t even know what day it is. He marked the occasion by wearing the aftershave from our wedding day, which I only noticed because he had somehow managed to contaminate my coffee cup with it! Who says romance is dead after 21 years together!😂
The aftershave from your wedding day...oof! It really is those small details that are so romantic, isn't it? How lovely – I hope you had a wonderful celebration. And how funny to meet on Valentine's Day too!
I didn't have the heart to tell him I think it's gone rancid! Or maybe thats just because it was in my coffee 🤔 We met in a dingy night club where we were both out on seperate anti-Valentines nights out with our mates!😂
Valentine's Day is my birthday, which probably means I put greater significance on it than a lot of people, but not because of the very capitalist, heteronormative Official Day of Romance reasons. Although I'd have loved to spend the day with my girlfriend, the reality is that we're in a long distance relationship, so I got the train down to visit them at the weekend for an early celebration. They gave me my birthday presents, I gave them a silly card with very heartfelt words in it, and we spent the weekend talking, cuddling, watching Taskmaster and generally just spending time together.
Yesterday was a very chill day. I had a lie in, opened some presents, had a lovely hot shower, and then had my last therapy appointment of fourteen compassion-focussed therapy sessions. After lunch I had a nap, then walked into the centre of town because H&M had emailed me a 25% off code for my birthday, and I'd been using the 'round up' feature on my Monzo account to save up for a shirt I wanted from them. I popped into my local queer indie bookshop to buy myself some books and had a lovely chat to the owner who was the bookseller on duty, and then got the bus home for an M&S Dine In for Two meal (I get to eat the other half today!) while listening to a podcast. I went to bed early after reading for a bit. It was a lovely day - not special, just a nice, chill day off where I didn't put pressure on myself to work or answer emails.
Thanks for sharing, Quinn (and happy belated birthday!)– sounds like you had a lovely, relaxed weekend ahead of time and then a really full & nourishing day yesterday, I loved reading about everything that you did: a nap, books, therapy, podcasts, gifts and self-gifts – what more could you want! Equally, the M&S Dine in for Two meal split over two days – genius! As someone who lives alone, I liked that as inspiration.
A friend and i happened to see a show tonight and knew we might struggle to find somewhere to eat quickly beforehand. That is the only way in which the day had registered with me. We went into a tiny, noisy Korean barbecue bar where everyone was cheek by jowl mostly seated in a row along the bar. It was quite funny and sweet that there were a few couples in there, quite young & cool, with one half clutching a bunch of flowers, though no chance of a romantic tête-à-tête and no pink heart shaped desserts or rip-off set menu. It made me feel well disposed towards the day although I would never take part myself.
Love a Korean barbecue set-up! What a fun way to enjoy yesterday (As you say with a heart-shaped premium!) - that sounds lovely, I hope the show was good too.