Hi friends! And welcome to our first community thread on The Shoulds.
I’ve been on Substack as a reader for a while now, and I’ve loved seeing the comment threads (and discussions) started by some of my favourite writers. Leslie Stephens, who writes the Substack newsletter Morning Person does this well, as does Emma Gannon on The Hyphen.
Sharing personal reflections online is a leap of faith. Whether it’s a close-up of your Wensleydale toastie or something a little more self-revelatory, it’s natural to feel unheard or unseen when met with a stoney internet silence (e.g. 0 likes/comments), when really you’re at the mercy of an algorithm within a vast, anonymous space where the only thing everyone has in common is a username.
Here, it's different. We won’t all be exactly the same age, or at the same life stage – but we’re on the same page, by virtue of being part of this community (more on The Shoulds’ ethos here). Think of these discussion threads as something akin to the comments section below your favourite blog posts in the early Noughties. It’s a space where you get to weigh in as part of a discussion with the wider community, in a way that feels meaningful and connected – not just a throwaway comment that gets lost in the ether.
So how does it work?
From next week, each comment thread will be dedicated to our weekly ‘Should’ theme: e.g. ‘I should be more productive’ (and these will be inspired by you, of course). This week, however, as it’s the first thread and there are lots of you subscribing in these early stages (hello!) I thought we could kick off the discussion with a simple one:
Tell me about yourself! What’s your name, where are you from, and what’s a big ‘Should’ for you at the moment? Plus, for bonus points, I’d love to hear something you’re curious about doing at some point in the next month (so, a ‘Could’ rather than a ‘Should’)?
I’ll go first. I’m Francesca, I’m from north London (although I’m living in Lisbon for the next month and I’m loving it) and one big ‘Should’ for me is: I should go to bed earlier. I’ve always been a bedtime procrastinator. I remember, as a 14-year-old, faffing around in my bedroom into the early hours, or sitting up on MSN (remember that?). You’d think it was a misplaced teenage rebellion, but I never grew out of it. When staying with friends (or living with a flatmate, as I am currently), generally they’ll head off to bed around 10 or 11 latest – while midnight is an ‘early night’ for me, even on a weeknight (I’m currently editing this at 11:55pm). I know I’d get better sleep, and probably all sorts of health benefits if I went to bed earlier – but, for whatever reason, I seldom do. Let me know in the comments section if you’re like this too, and maybe we’ll explore the ‘I should go to bed earlier’ theme one week. Oh, and as for what I’m curious about for the coming month – my ‘Could’ – I’ve booked a 90-minute breathwork workshop this coming Sunday morning. I’ve been curious about this practice for a while, since learning through a podcast – I think it was the Ten Per Cent Happier with Dan Harris episode with James Nestor – that breathing is the only ‘autonomic nervous system’ function (i.e. usually controlled by our bodies on autopilot) that we can directly manipulate, in contrast with say blood pressure or digestion. Which sounds pretty useful, if you ask me, so watch this space.
Now, over to you – let’s share in the comments below!
Since moving from London to Switzerland I feel pressure to stay on top of what my family is doing “back home” and like I should fly back for every event. I wish I could be there for everything and sometimes I’m sad I’m missing out but I think I could establish some boundaries in 2023 and be stricter with priorities so I’m there for the big moments without getting overwhelmed with flying back and forth.
This is such a tough one to manage. I spent 6 years commuting/living between 2 cities & then another 3.5 in another country. It’s such a challenge. I think I found the balance eventually. And now I’m home & close to family, I’m not certain my absence was as missed as I thought it was!
Hi! My name is Mariana and I’m from Portugal but have lived in London for a long while. My biggest should right now (especially since recently turning 30) is that I should know where I’m heading by now - professionally, in my relationships, geographically…but I have no clue and it makes it very hard to set goals. How do aim for something when you don’t know what you want? I would be very interested to learn more people go about finding purpose or at least a sense of direction in this weird weird world… As for a could, I’m on my way to my first proper boxing lesson, which could become a hobby - we shall see!
Thanks for sharing. I wonder how many people who’ve relocated feeling that sense of being torn across two countries while making the regular big scary life decisions. And the general sense of lostness is so relatable. LOVE the sound of this boxing lesson!
Really working on nourishing myself. I was not raised to listen to intuitive cues to hunger, pain, etc., and after being diagnosed with an immune illness and coming out as trans and neurodivergent, I am starting to realize few normative expectations for what is “good” for me will truly apply. I am challenging myself to turn to my body/mind as the authority on what’s best for me
I feel old looking at all the posts below, but here goes nothing. I am 64 and a widow. I would also describe myself as an eccentric, slightly reclusive dog woman. I haven’t started barking yet. Although, Mildred and Humphrey are learning the art of looking interested in good political rants/debates, while having their ears rubbed. I should explain they are 2 young boisterous black labradors. I now feel I should live/return to the real world from the oblivion I slipped into during the pandemic, having previously led a busy life as a supported housing consultant, wife, mother etc. I am half way through Alonement very Interesting, thought provoking and true.
PS I haven’t started my newsletter…. I should … but likely to be drowned by procrastination. I want to aim for a newsletter about returning the real world as a grumpy old woman.
Hello Jo! Welcome to the community. You sound excellent (as do Mildred and Humphrey – 'the art of looking interested in good political rants... I could certainly learn that from them'). And thank you for your kind words on Alonement. It's been a couple of years since I wrote it now, and hearing about the 'Alonement' experiences of readers' (like yourself) is something that keeps those ideas alive – I love it! I would very much like to hear your musings on 'returning the real world as a grumpy old woman', both here and (hopefully!) someday soon on your newsletter. I'd definitely read that. In the meantime, it's wonderful to have you here. Francesca x
Thank you Francesca for such a lovely reply. You spurred me on and I have actually taken the first step and my newsletter is live…..with so many glitches it is like a sieve with holes in it xxxxxx
My first ‘should’ to overcome was to stop saying to myself I should leave this community to others & not post.
Well done Francesca on the launch. Looking forward to engaging & learning.
Lots of shoulds but probably fewer than earlier years - less existential, more focused on self-care & compassion. Experience has given me the skills to self-examine what’s going on for me with the ‘should’.
That said I feel I should exercise more consistently.
Thanks for sharing that Emma! That’s such a thing! There’s always that temptation to sort of lurk and not feel what you have to say is as valid - it’s such a relatable experience, that ‘oh it’s only me’. I find Substack so much more embracing though compared to Instagram (as in you get responses here and it’s more of a conversation!)
Self compassion is a lovely learning, definitely hope to explore that a bit more here... and exercise and journaling!!
I'm currently off work long-term sick and can drown in "shoulds"! Particularly "I should be more productive" and use my time to do something "improving" (whatever that means) but keeping in touch with family and friends also scores highly - appreciate the other writer pointing that out below. My "could" is the other side of that coin, I am trying to challenge myself by thinking actually, I "could" do nothing of importance, and just focus on pleasing myself... and see if the world ends?? Easier said than done! I personally wonder if the "shoulds" come from a general idea women are fed that we are always somehow doing something wrong - we can't just accept a less than perfect situation, we have to fix it by doing X, Y or Z... looking forward to reading more about this Francesca :)
Thanks so much for sharing, Claire (and sorry to hear of your long-term illness). That sounds like a brilliant ‘could’ - something we could all stand to gain from! Isn’t it funny how little we think about prioritising pleasure? Your last point is also super interesting - stay tuned for Sunday’s post especially, I’ve got a brilliant interview with a well-known psychologist coming out that really speaks to this!
Absolutely! And also it's so tempting to use your friends/peers as a yardstick with this sort of thing too – but realistically, isn't passing these milestones at different ages (ie having a bit of 'timeline' diversity in your friendship group/family of the same generation) sometimes a good sign? As it shows you're all individuals making authentic decisions that are right for you, respectively. Also, if you step back from the pressure to all be the same, it's super interesting to hear what everyone is up to on their respective path – who wants an echo chamber?!
There are always things I feel I “should” be doing, but at the moment I think my biggest is thinking I should have everything figured out. We all know that comparison is the thief of joy, but it’s so difficult not to think that everyone is achieving more than you are. There are only so many hours in the day and if I can give one piece of advice to the lovely people in this community it would be to be kinder to yourself ❤️ we’re all just trying our best and that’s all we can do x
I am the same way! I've been struggling to go to bed at a decent hour for years but it seems I cherish the intimacy of a night too much. How beautiful it is to steal a glimpse of a breaking dawn while everyone's asleep! I went as far as setting an alarm for midnight that said "Beauty sleep". Nothing worked. Miraculously, what did it for me was taking a 28 day Power Yoga challenge. I practice in the morning before work and as I hate to rush through my routine I automatically started going to bed earlier feeling excited about the coming day. Organic is the best way to change :) Good luck with cracking your system!
My should at the moment is to start eating intuitively and learn to listen to my body instead of being pressured socially. My could for next month is to become my own artist - there's an option to colour by numbers a painting by a famous artist. It's my first time and I expect it to be my productive meditation haha
Hi Lisa, lovely to have you as part of the community! And I love that you've also found a way to go to bed earlier – I love power yoga... perhaps I could try shifting my PM sessions to morning too! – but also found self-compassion in your appreciation of the 'intimacy of the night' (beautifully-put). I'm excited to hear about your artistic journey! What a fun possibility to have ahead. Francesca
Since moving alone due to sad circumstances, my biggest should is "I should think of my (possibly catastrophic) future". This should implies many sub-shoulds such as "I should save money in case of an emergency" "I should not quit the job I don't like until finding a new one" "I should not buy things I don't need" "I should plan my retirement fund".
I don't understand how these shoulds have taken control. They have made me feel scared about any kind of future in store.
So my Could would be: I wish I could stop thinking that way!
Hi Silvina/early bird (jealous!). Thank you so much for sharing those honest thoughts (also 'Sub-shoulds' – that's a new one, I think you just coined something...) – you're going through so much and anyone would be scared and struggling in your situation. There's no immediate solution of course, but it's positive that you're aware of and voicing these things, as it's a lot to bear alone. Hope you're being really kind to yourself right now – and know that there are plenty of better Coulds ahead for you! <3 love Emma's comment below on this too
Thanks Francesca! I'm practicing kindness particularly at this time of the year approching the end of 2022 when we feel so many Shoulds on our shoulders! Very nice conversation
I don’t know what your circumstances are but I can empathise (& sympathise I think).
On reflection, my ‘shoulds’ were very similar. Having emerged the other side, I wonder if my ‘could’ might have been ‘I could give myself time to recover from the sadness & then start to make a plan/plans’? It’s what happened & as my grief & sadness became easier, my energy & clarity allowed those ‘shoulds’ become lighter.
Thanks Emma for replying to my post. I am starting to emerge and catching some glimpses of clarity for what I would like to do in the shorter term of my life.
Thanks so much for sharing. This is SUCH A THING. It's really hard (and historically unprecedented... who knew 15 years ago it would be a social norm to be instantly available, all the time?!). Definitely an interesting one to discuss at some point on The Shoulds. I wonder who else feels like this??
Since moving from London to Switzerland I feel pressure to stay on top of what my family is doing “back home” and like I should fly back for every event. I wish I could be there for everything and sometimes I’m sad I’m missing out but I think I could establish some boundaries in 2023 and be stricter with priorities so I’m there for the big moments without getting overwhelmed with flying back and forth.
This is such a tough one to manage. I spent 6 years commuting/living between 2 cities & then another 3.5 in another country. It’s such a challenge. I think I found the balance eventually. And now I’m home & close to family, I’m not certain my absence was as missed as I thought it was!
That’s a really useful perspective from the other side of the situation! Thanks for sharing (possibly a hard but liberating truth!)
Hi! My name is Mariana and I’m from Portugal but have lived in London for a long while. My biggest should right now (especially since recently turning 30) is that I should know where I’m heading by now - professionally, in my relationships, geographically…but I have no clue and it makes it very hard to set goals. How do aim for something when you don’t know what you want? I would be very interested to learn more people go about finding purpose or at least a sense of direction in this weird weird world… As for a could, I’m on my way to my first proper boxing lesson, which could become a hobby - we shall see!
Thanks for sharing. I wonder how many people who’ve relocated feeling that sense of being torn across two countries while making the regular big scary life decisions. And the general sense of lostness is so relatable. LOVE the sound of this boxing lesson!
Really working on nourishing myself. I was not raised to listen to intuitive cues to hunger, pain, etc., and after being diagnosed with an immune illness and coming out as trans and neurodivergent, I am starting to realize few normative expectations for what is “good” for me will truly apply. I am challenging myself to turn to my body/mind as the authority on what’s best for me
Thanks for sharing, Quigley - that sounds like a really worthwhile journey (I like how you phrase it, too: ‘nourishing myself’)
I feel old looking at all the posts below, but here goes nothing. I am 64 and a widow. I would also describe myself as an eccentric, slightly reclusive dog woman. I haven’t started barking yet. Although, Mildred and Humphrey are learning the art of looking interested in good political rants/debates, while having their ears rubbed. I should explain they are 2 young boisterous black labradors. I now feel I should live/return to the real world from the oblivion I slipped into during the pandemic, having previously led a busy life as a supported housing consultant, wife, mother etc. I am half way through Alonement very Interesting, thought provoking and true.
PS I haven’t started my newsletter…. I should … but likely to be drowned by procrastination. I want to aim for a newsletter about returning the real world as a grumpy old woman.
Hello Jo! Welcome to the community. You sound excellent (as do Mildred and Humphrey – 'the art of looking interested in good political rants... I could certainly learn that from them'). And thank you for your kind words on Alonement. It's been a couple of years since I wrote it now, and hearing about the 'Alonement' experiences of readers' (like yourself) is something that keeps those ideas alive – I love it! I would very much like to hear your musings on 'returning the real world as a grumpy old woman', both here and (hopefully!) someday soon on your newsletter. I'd definitely read that. In the meantime, it's wonderful to have you here. Francesca x
Thank you Francesca for such a lovely reply. You spurred me on and I have actually taken the first step and my newsletter is live…..with so many glitches it is like a sieve with holes in it xxxxxx
How wonderful! Congratulations. I’ll subscribe x
My first ‘should’ to overcome was to stop saying to myself I should leave this community to others & not post.
Well done Francesca on the launch. Looking forward to engaging & learning.
Lots of shoulds but probably fewer than earlier years - less existential, more focused on self-care & compassion. Experience has given me the skills to self-examine what’s going on for me with the ‘should’.
That said I feel I should exercise more consistently.
I really could begin to journal daily again.
(Also - thank you for the lovely words on the launch! I’m so excited about this community)
Thanks for sharing that Emma! That’s such a thing! There’s always that temptation to sort of lurk and not feel what you have to say is as valid - it’s such a relatable experience, that ‘oh it’s only me’. I find Substack so much more embracing though compared to Instagram (as in you get responses here and it’s more of a conversation!)
Self compassion is a lovely learning, definitely hope to explore that a bit more here... and exercise and journaling!!
I'm currently off work long-term sick and can drown in "shoulds"! Particularly "I should be more productive" and use my time to do something "improving" (whatever that means) but keeping in touch with family and friends also scores highly - appreciate the other writer pointing that out below. My "could" is the other side of that coin, I am trying to challenge myself by thinking actually, I "could" do nothing of importance, and just focus on pleasing myself... and see if the world ends?? Easier said than done! I personally wonder if the "shoulds" come from a general idea women are fed that we are always somehow doing something wrong - we can't just accept a less than perfect situation, we have to fix it by doing X, Y or Z... looking forward to reading more about this Francesca :)
Thanks so much for sharing, Claire (and sorry to hear of your long-term illness). That sounds like a brilliant ‘could’ - something we could all stand to gain from! Isn’t it funny how little we think about prioritising pleasure? Your last point is also super interesting - stay tuned for Sunday’s post especially, I’ve got a brilliant interview with a well-known psychologist coming out that really speaks to this!
I feel like there’s so much pressure around the Shoulds of milestones by certain ages! I’ve written so many songs about this 🙈
Absolutely! And also it's so tempting to use your friends/peers as a yardstick with this sort of thing too – but realistically, isn't passing these milestones at different ages (ie having a bit of 'timeline' diversity in your friendship group/family of the same generation) sometimes a good sign? As it shows you're all individuals making authentic decisions that are right for you, respectively. Also, if you step back from the pressure to all be the same, it's super interesting to hear what everyone is up to on their respective path – who wants an echo chamber?!
Agree with timeline diversity! Definitely helps!
Totally relate!
There are always things I feel I “should” be doing, but at the moment I think my biggest is thinking I should have everything figured out. We all know that comparison is the thief of joy, but it’s so difficult not to think that everyone is achieving more than you are. There are only so many hours in the day and if I can give one piece of advice to the lovely people in this community it would be to be kinder to yourself ❤️ we’re all just trying our best and that’s all we can do x
Oof I needed to read this today <3 thanks Emily x
I am the same way! I've been struggling to go to bed at a decent hour for years but it seems I cherish the intimacy of a night too much. How beautiful it is to steal a glimpse of a breaking dawn while everyone's asleep! I went as far as setting an alarm for midnight that said "Beauty sleep". Nothing worked. Miraculously, what did it for me was taking a 28 day Power Yoga challenge. I practice in the morning before work and as I hate to rush through my routine I automatically started going to bed earlier feeling excited about the coming day. Organic is the best way to change :) Good luck with cracking your system!
My should at the moment is to start eating intuitively and learn to listen to my body instead of being pressured socially. My could for next month is to become my own artist - there's an option to colour by numbers a painting by a famous artist. It's my first time and I expect it to be my productive meditation haha
Thank you for this safe space!
Hi Lisa, lovely to have you as part of the community! And I love that you've also found a way to go to bed earlier – I love power yoga... perhaps I could try shifting my PM sessions to morning too! – but also found self-compassion in your appreciation of the 'intimacy of the night' (beautifully-put). I'm excited to hear about your artistic journey! What a fun possibility to have ahead. Francesca
Since moving alone due to sad circumstances, my biggest should is "I should think of my (possibly catastrophic) future". This should implies many sub-shoulds such as "I should save money in case of an emergency" "I should not quit the job I don't like until finding a new one" "I should not buy things I don't need" "I should plan my retirement fund".
I don't understand how these shoulds have taken control. They have made me feel scared about any kind of future in store.
So my Could would be: I wish I could stop thinking that way!
Ps. I'm an early bird instead. :)
Hi Silvina/early bird (jealous!). Thank you so much for sharing those honest thoughts (also 'Sub-shoulds' – that's a new one, I think you just coined something...) – you're going through so much and anyone would be scared and struggling in your situation. There's no immediate solution of course, but it's positive that you're aware of and voicing these things, as it's a lot to bear alone. Hope you're being really kind to yourself right now – and know that there are plenty of better Coulds ahead for you! <3 love Emma's comment below on this too
Thanks Francesca! I'm practicing kindness particularly at this time of the year approching the end of 2022 when we feel so many Shoulds on our shoulders! Very nice conversation
I don’t know what your circumstances are but I can empathise (& sympathise I think).
On reflection, my ‘shoulds’ were very similar. Having emerged the other side, I wonder if my ‘could’ might have been ‘I could give myself time to recover from the sadness & then start to make a plan/plans’? It’s what happened & as my grief & sadness became easier, my energy & clarity allowed those ‘shoulds’ become lighter.
This is such a lovely insight, Emma
Thanks Emma for replying to my post. I am starting to emerge and catching some glimpses of clarity for what I would like to do in the shorter term of my life.
Thanks so much for sharing. This is SUCH A THING. It's really hard (and historically unprecedented... who knew 15 years ago it would be a social norm to be instantly available, all the time?!). Definitely an interesting one to discuss at some point on The Shoulds. I wonder who else feels like this??