Self esteem isn’t everything; it’s just that there’s nothing without it. Those aren’t my words – they’re Gloria Steinem’s, writing in her 1992 book, Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem.
Self-esteem is a term that’s hard to define. Even psychologists don’t have a consensus. It’s often linked to confidence, yet at best it’s a distant cousin. While confidence tends to be about your ability to do something—to get the guy, to ace the job interview, to hit the triple 20 on a darts board—self-esteem is much more subtle. It’s about valuing and respecting yourself.
Confidence and self-esteem are both good things to have – but self-esteem is more fundamental, because it’s the basis upon which you look after your innermost needs. It’s less ‘I’m capable of doing so-and-so’ than it is: ‘I’m enough as I am’. Like confidence, self-esteem fluctuates depending on what’s going on in your life. I can tell when mine is dwindling if I let my flat get untidy, or if I persistently hit the pause button on hair wash day.
Interestingly, it’s a term that’s fallen out of fashion in recent decades – both in scientific literature, and in popular parlance. It came back on my radar, by chance, a couple of months ago, when I received an email from a long-time reader of this newsletter recommending an old school self-help book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden, published in 1994 – two years after Steinem’s.
Unfashionable as it might be, it occurred to me – reading Branden’s book – that self-esteem is something we need more than ever right now. In a social-media obsessed world where so much is performative, it’s easy to neglect the little, private gestures you perform towards yourself when no one is looking—the ‘pillars’ on which you build yourself, and your self-esteem, up every day. We are also perhaps ‘in our heads’ more than ever, with the rise of therapy-culture, meaning that tangible, practical gestures (making your bed, taking a long, luxurious shower), can fall by the wayside.
Anyway. For this week’s newsletter, I reached out to a bunch of people in my life (including fellow yogis, writers and journalists!) to find out how they build their self-esteem, combined with tips from figures like Mel Robbins (my latest obsession) and Brene Brown. Below is a list of 31 tried-and-tested practical ways to boost your self-esteem, today or whenever you need it. I loved compiling this list, and I hope you enjoyed reading it!
31 practical tips to boost your self-esteem
‘I like picking a TV character to emulate in my dress and then take parts of their character. My latest was Beth from “Yellowstone”.’ - Victoria, 33
‘For me, it’s a sleep or a good nap, followed by an ice bath – to boost my dopamine!’ - Malva, 37
‘Whenever I’m low in confidence, I blare out a dopamine-heavy song, the more nostalgic, the better (00s house or Robbie Williams is good for that!’ - Michaella Parkes
‘I sign out of Instagram! Then I instantly feel better.’ – Carys, 30
😴 According to a study from the University of Basel, getting enough sleep (7-8 hours) is linked to healthy levels of self-esteem.
‘I write a little list in my Notes app of things I’ve done recently that I’m proud of.’ - Radhika, 34
🙏 Try Mel Robbins’ ‘high-five yourself’ tip: looking at yourself in your mirror first thing and giving your reflection a big high five! She explains why it works in this podcast episode.
Another one from science: research shows gardening, such as tending to an allotment, can boost self-esteem and body image in adults.
⚒️ ‘Doing a piece of mega DIY - like tiling or fitting a ceiling light.’ - Ben, 48
‘I like picking a TV character to emulate in my dress and then take parts of their character. My latest was Beth from Yellowstone.’ - Victoria, 33 I do an elaborate, 50-step (or thereabouts) skincare routine - Bec, 37
Going outside! It reminds me how small I am in the grand scheme of things – and how enduring the world is. That constantly is soothing.’ - Lizzie, 34
Gabrielle Bernstein’s Choose Again method: Notice a negative thought, forgive yourself for having it, choose a better one!
‘Tidying my flat helps – a quick hoover works wonders!’ - Radhika, 34
‘I call up my kid niece and nephews – they think I’m the best person in the world, and always give me a boost!’ - Bec, 37
‘I’ve bought a tabletop ironing board that’s easy to whip out and hangs up in my wardrobe – and every Sunday I watch Derry Girls on my iPad and iron my clothes for the week. Knowing I’ve cared for myself enough to produce a wardrobe of crisply-ironed shirts is the perfect self-esteem boost, and the benefits are week-long’ – Me, 33
✔️ Make a promise to yourself. A tip from performance expert Ed Mylett – commit to doing something differently (even waking up five minutes earlier, or not looking at your phone for the first 20 minutes of your day) and following through.
🎵 ‘Listening to a good vibes playlist I made which is half rap, half girly pop… it’s wild how music can totally change how you feel.’ - Phoebe Dodds, 29
💅 ‘Getting my nails done - never used to be big on this but it helps me feel put together.’ - Victoria, 33
👧 ‘I listen to a voice note I saved from the boss of a production company (I work in TV) telling me how good I was on the job. That role was the most imposter syndrome I’ve ever felt, and it all worked out – listening to that message is my reminder of that.’– Bec, 37
‘A lot of my esteem complexes come from “not getting shit done” and sending myself into an imposter shame spiral about being useless, especially when as a freelancer it’s all on you to get things done all the time. So I reframe my To Do list as a To Enjoy list, help remind me actually how lucky I am to do a job I adore. I also write a Done list at the end of the day to remind me of everything I’ve achieved – even if it’s just “Rested” or “Sent an email”.’ – Michaella, 32
🚿 ‘Taking an extra long shower.’ - Deidra, 32
‘Surrounding myself with close friends who know exactly the right words to say is the quickest way to make a low moment better.’ - Laura, 36
When you’re feeling low, Brene Brown recommends: ‘Talk to yourself like you would someone you love’. What would you say to your best friend right now?
‘Opening my eyes to the small things in nature – like flowers and birds. The little beauties you always find everywhere, no matter what.’ - Joerg, 6
‘Power dressing always helps to shift things!’ - Maryia, 43 ‘My biggest self-esteem boost is just liking my outfit – even if I don’t have any makeup on and my hair is a mess.’ - Victoria, 33
‘For me, power dressing always helps to shift things – especially voluminous tailored trousers that help me to “take up space” in the corporate world of banking, where I work.’ - Maryia, 43
‘As a live-aloner, I’ve long been guilty of leaving a Tracey-Emin-esque unmade bed – but recently I’ve been pushing myself to make my bed every morning as soon as I get up: a small, loving gesture to return home to.’ – Also me, 33.
🧁‘I buy myself an edible treat, like carrot cake from Lola’s Bakery.’ - Radhika, 34
‘Spending time with positive, inspiring people always helps.’ - Cris, 30
‘Dancing to fun music! I especially love listening to this version of “I Feel Love” by Mr Belt and Wezol.’ - Malva, 37
‘Talking to a stranger! It reminds me of the power of connection and my ability to connect with people.’ Gemma, 34
🟡 Now you’ve read through this lot, I’d love to hear from you: what are your favourite ways to boost your self-esteem? Let’s get a conversation going in the comments!
Great article. #51: Exposure therapy to the things that scare you. I try to do one brave thing a year
Loved this ! I had to have therapy to increase my self-esteem and it was worth every penny!!