Welcome to The Shoulds by Francesca Specter

An online publication examining the hidden rules & stories that shape our lives.

An inevitable thing that happens in your late twenties – slash – early thirties, is your friends start beginning sentences with: ‘My therapist says…’. Anyway, my therapist said, after our first session in 2020, that I needed to stop saying a particular combination of words which had, up until that point, struck me as entirely innocuous. The offending item? ‘I should’. While I didn’t realise it at the time, my self-talk was littered with ungenerous phrases like, ‘I should be more productive’ (I’d just gone freelance) and ‘I shouldn’t feel so lonely’ (I mean – it was lockdown, and I lived alone). 

You know when something gets pointed out – like the famous asymmetry of Tom Cruise’s smile – and you can’t un-see it? That’s how it’s been with ‘shoulds’. Since then, I’ve realised I’m not the only person who, to some degree, lives by The Shoulds. In fact, it’s all of us.

Shoulds are the narratives that we don’t consciously ‘subscribe’ to, but end up reigning over our subconscious like tiny dictators. I should be busier. I should meditate. ‘Shoulds’ might originate from a Cos marketing email; or your cousin’s wedding, or a bloody push notification, and later they whisper to you as you empty the dishwasher. I should dress better. I should settle down. I should run more. ‘Shoulds’ aren’t inherently good or bad. Sometimes they’re our motivation to shower, or to call your grandma. The problem is when we ignore them – and let the accompanying sense of guilt, or inadequacy, control us. 

And that’s why I’m launching my online publication and community, The Shoulds, which examines the hidden rules & stories that shape our lives. Each week, we’ll explore a different ‘should’. I should have better boundaries. I should quit social media (and I’d love to hear what kind of topics you suggest). This is a newsletter for readers who are interested in living a more authentic life, being in tune with yourself and having the best possible relationships with others. Because I suspect – and this is me saying this, not my therapist – the Shoulds prevail when we feel scared, uncertain and estranged from those other, more intrinsic kinds of feelings: the ‘coulds’, the ‘wants’ and ‘wonders’. It’s only through having honest, informed conversations about the former that we can get to the latter – exchanging guilt & shame for curiosity, hope & desire. 

Who am I?

So, yes, hello – I’m Francesca, a London-based, Liverpool-born millennial writer best known as the author of Alonement: How To Be Alone & Absolutely Own It, and for my podcast, also called Alonement (because if it ain’t broke…). My magazine journalism career began eight years ago at British Vogue. Since then, I’ve written for a bunch of glossies & nationals, interviewed some celebrities & even had ‘editor’ in my job title for a bit. Outside of work, my interests involve long walks, having interesting conversations – although I’m lucky enough to do that professionally, too – reading fiction (currently, anything set in Japan) and eating porridge all year round. 

This newsletter, the new home of my writing, has been months in the making – and I’m extremely excited by it. 

What can I expect from The Shoulds?

For those new to the platform, Substack is part newsletter, part blog, part online community. The Shoulds will be theme-led, meaning I’ll discuss a different ‘should’ of the week – one week it will be ‘I should read more’, another ‘I should get a dog’ or ‘I should be more organised’.

Format wise, it will be a mixture of my first-person writing with the occasional guest post; monthly interviews with experts/or just people I find interesting; my curated round-ups of things I’ve read/watched/listened to; and, for the first time(!), community threads, which provide a forum to have conversations. Each week, I’ll also send out a hand-picked list of resources relating to that week’s topic – aiming to inspire and aid curiosity, rather than be shame-y, and I’m calling that ‘The Coulds’. See what I did there?

If you’ve been familiar with my previous work, you’ll notice the new name, and aesthetic: The Shoulds, rather than my book/podcast title, Alonement, or The Alone Times (my former newsletter, which some of you will have subscribed to). This is an evolution of what came before. 

Why now?

For a decade, I chased glamorous jobs. Later, as a freelancer, I chased sparkly commissions at glossy magazines and national newspapers. But it feels rather ‘square peg, round hole’. I don’t want to sensationalise my personal life for clickbait, or reduce nuance to a 400-word box. Traditional journalism is struggling – and, amid the pitching and chasing, many of my best ideas have gone unwritten. 

Meanwhile, social media resembles the children’s game of musical statues: you’re forced to shape shift every time Instagram changes its algorithm. It’s the enemy of creativity, curiosity, discourse, and originality. I don’t want to squish my innermost thoughts into 280 characters, or trade heart emojis in lieu of a conversation. Some say that constraints spark creativity. In this case, I disagree. 

I’ve been looking for alignment. A way to bring us together as a community. To respond, directly, to your private messages and comments. To listen and to write specifically about the topics that interest you. This is that place.

How much will it cost? 

For the first month or so, I’ll share a smörgåsbord of the content you can expect going forward (and I’ll respond to reader questions/suggestions). During that time, everything I publish will be free. That said, if you’d like to be one of the first to subscribe for the price of a Pret baguette – I’m a diehard avocado, olive & tomatoes fan, myself – then please consider doing so from now. This will support the work I put into setting it up, and the initial costs (like paying my fantastic designer). Plus, you will make my day week month. 

I’ll be moving to a paid model after month #1, with the occasional free post but the majority of content behind a paywall. In the past decade of blogging, newsletter-ing and social media-ing, this is the first time I’ve asked readers to pay directly for my writing. This is why:

1. I want it to be good. Like, really good.

I’ve realised that when you write for free all the time, the writing will suffer. It stops you taking yourself seriously. Good writing matters. To produce the best, most well-researched pieces, as well as high-quality interviews with experts & thinkers, and audio content (for the third of you who said you’d prefer to listen to this publication), I’m asking for your support. 

2. Keeping this a community-first safe space 

I want The Shoulds to be a private, reader-funded community; somewhere we can have candid conversations in a closed, safe space – i.e. away from the wild west of social media. A reader paywall allows me to do this. As Farrah Storr, former editor of ELLE, wrote in a recent newsletter:

I didn’t want followers anymore. I wanted a community…a real, common thread that united us all. 

I appreciate not everyone will become a paid subscriber, and that’s OK. Because this isn’t about numbers or followers. It’s about two-way connections that are infinitely more nourishing. 

As a paid subscriber, you will get:

• All weekly content, delivered directly to your inbox

• Access to the archives

• Members-only community threads

• Audio versions of every post

• Submission of reader questions & topic suggestions

• My eternal love & gratitude.

There will also be a limited number of memberships specifically for budding and existing podcasters – which includes a 1-hour coaching session, detailed feedback on a podcast episode of your choosing; unlimited email back-and-forth; &, plus, going forward, seasonal in-person meet-ups. 

With that, I’m cutting the proverbial ribbon and declaring The Shoulds open. Care to join me?