Issue #85: The first-date rules of adult friendship

After the social peak of your mid-twenties, friendmaking can feel remarkably similar to dating.

‘That’s it – I’ve pulled!’ I concluded, reading the latest message in a string of Instagram DMs. I’d been back-and-forthing with a distant acquaintance from university. We’d recently resurrected our friendship over a walk, a decade since we’d last met in person. That morning, I’d upped the ante, suggesting we follow up our walk with ‘Dinner soon?’ When she went so far as to suggest an actual calendar date, I knew I was in there.

This wasn’t a romantic exchange (I don’t, as far as I’m aware, swing that way). But it had a similar atmosphere of vulnerability, uncertainty and – well – hope, that I might feel in a dating context. Had the chemistry I’d felt gone both ways? I didn’t know what her weeks looked like – would she feel pestered by my suggestion to hang out? Was she in the market for a new friend? Did she say only say yes the first time out of guilt? Was it too soon to suggest hanging out again? Was this only ever supposed to be a one-time thing? Would she even reply?

Making friends, as an adult, can be just as complicated as dating. And in some respect, more so because it’s considerably less examined; we lack a rulebook. Once stigmatised, online dating has become so normalised that being ‘on the apps’ is the accepted norm for singles. But I’d venture a guess that many of us would feel less comfortable announcing that we’re ‘looking’ for friendship.

Once you’ve met, there’s uncertainty over how to move forward; how to know when a would-be thing has really become a thing. When your meetings become regular, birthday dinner invitations get exchanged, joint holidays get floated… what are the benchmarks?

Last month, I read Same As It Ever Was, the latest novel from Claire Lombardo. There’s a scene towards the beginning of the book where Julia, the main character, is invited out for ice cream by another woman, Helen. Even though she longs for the company, she’s hesitant over whether to accept. Lombardo summarises beautifully this particular flavour of vulnerability:

‘She was unsure of the etiquette, the first-date rules of friendship as an adult.’

- Same As It Ever Was, Clare Lombardo

The rules of adult friend-making

The Meet-Cute

I’ve written about Meet-Cutes before in this newsletter; for the uninitiated, a Meet-Cute is a filmmaking term describing the means by which a romantic couple meets for the first time, ideally (for dramatic effect) in a memorable way.

But what about how you meet your friends? It’s a question you don’t typically consider in childhood, because it happens naturally through school (rendering any other, out-of-school friendships – through holiday, summer camp, extra-curricular clubs or your local neighbourhood– practically exotic). In general, until you’ve finished school – or university – friendmaking is something that happens incidentally, rather than proactively.