Issue #75: Remembering how to be alone, when you're out of practice

Or, a tale of two easyJet flights.

I was out for coffee with a friend last weekend, when she shared a struggle she’s having in her new-ish relationship. We spend so much time together, she said. If not physically, we’re on the phone – trading every thought that comes into our heads, every little thing that happened that day. I love him, but I miss me.

It’s a sentiment I used to hear a lot from podcast guests. How a relationship can – often will – diminish the time you spend with yourself. Often, it affects friendships too; we’ve all had that friend who falls off the face of the earth when they get a new boyfriend. But for those millennial women who ingested too much Spice Girls as a child to ever ditch their friends for a lover, then the time spent with a partner often comes out of the pot allocated for time with you.

In the throes of romance, being together 24/7 feels heavenly – until it doesn’t. Choosing to be alone can be a hard sell when there’s someone to share cuddles and an M&S Dine in for Two deal on tap. But it’s also necessary. When we neglect to invest in a relationship with ourselves, we quickly lose it – like muscle mass. Thankfully, we can regain it as well. My friend soon felt more like the version of herself she was missing, thanks to a night in spent reading on the sofa and baking (as the lucky recipient I would like more of my friends to stay in and bake, please).

It made me think of how quickly we lose confidence in being alone. How our lifelong relationship with ourselves can be just as Complicated as our Facebook statuses once made out. How learning how to be alone isn’t actually a permanent lesson, but something you have to learn over and over again, as your life changes.

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This time last month, I had just returned from Lisbon. It’s a city that – as many of you know – I lived in for a few blissful months last year, and truth be told I’d been avoiding it ever since. Avoiding it like you would an ex, when the break-up is still raw and you’re so averse to falling back into old patterns that you avoid any contact at all.

That was, until my friend Lauren suggested a ten-day London-Lisbon flat swap. Already tempted by the fairytale depiction of Lisbon in Poor Things (and knowing from experience that the reality was almost as pretty), it was an offer I could not refuse. Except, as the time drew nearer, I felt scared. Not so much of wanting to move back there again (my London roots are, at this point, strong and well-watered). The real source of fear was the prospect of travelling alone again.

Let me provide some context. Upon returning to London in May 2023, I felt out-of-kilter with people’s lives – something I wrote about extensively at the time. I had spent 18 months travelling on and off, and as a result many friendships had drifted. I had fallen off some wedding guest invite lists; I’d fallen off some people’s radars. Which was expected – it was the downside of being away as long as I had. But it still felt lonely, particularly as summer began. That loneliness became a driver for how I spent the next year: making new friends, getting to know my neighbours, finding new communities and groups… as a result I feel more at home in this city than ever.

Issue #33: Putting down roots (after a year spent avoiding commitment)

So, just to wrench things back to the topic at hand… a year on, the prospect of travelling alone again – even for ten days – felt daunting. I had gained confidence and connections in London, while losing confidence in my 2022/2023 modus operandi of flying solo. I missed that solo traveller version of me.

And yet, things can change quickly. The below is, in diary format, a brief account of how I felt before my outbound flight, and how much my feelings had changed as I sat on my return flight. Plus, some tips on how to learn to be alone again (when you’ve fallen out of practice, like I had).

Before and After: A tale of two EasyJet flights

BEFORE

I don’t think there’s anywhere I feel less self-conscious about being alone than in an airport.