Issue #39: How to be a good listener (even if you think you already are)

The 'neglected stepchild of communication' can enrich your relationships, your work and your happiness. Here's how to get better at it.

Often, I fail to listen as well as I should. Odds are, so do you. Whether it’s interrupting a close friend right at the crux point of their funny anecdote, or scrolling Instagram mid-telephone conversation with a family member then responding with some half-arsed, distracted reply to what they’ve just said, poor listening is something we’re all guilty of, even if it’s just once in a while.

And we’re regularly on the receiving end of it, too. I’m sure you won’t struggle to recall a time when you didn’t feel listened to; for instance at work, or in a relationship. When you shared something vulnerable, and the person you were talking to started fidgeting with their watch strap, and immediately changed the subject. Or when someone asked you how your weekend was, and then chronically butted in with questionably relevant facts about theirs. I don’t know about you, but nothing seems to conjure up my inner child more than that feeling of not being listened to, which shows up as a dull pain in my stomach. I think it’s part of why I became a writer: a desire to communicate better in words than I can in conversation.

You can’t force someone to listen to you. Or you can, momentarily – through shouting, through exaggeration – but not in a lasting way, and certainly not in a style you want to set a precedent for in your relationships. What you can control is your own ability to be a good listener, described by journalist Kate Murphy as ‘the neglected stepchild of communication’ in her book, You’re Not Listening, first published in January 2020. On a tangential note, I think that’s something we tend to get wrong with a lot of ‘self-help’ - we focus on what we can get out of it, rather than what it can equip us to give to others, as we must do with listening.

And this can be hard to do. In meeting culture, for instance, we’re under pressure to speak sooner rather than later, in an ill-advised bid to set ourselves apart (even though a better tact may well be to listen for longer, and later come up with a more valuable contribution). Maybe you’ve grown up in a friendship group, or family dynamic, where you’re fighting to be heard (‘The family I grew up in, no one really listened to anyone,’ one subscriber shared). Or else, we’re only taught to be a good listener in a certain area of our life – as a salesperson, or a therapist. Recently, I heard Simon Sinek admit live on stage that – despite being a successful podcast host – he was shocked to discover most of his loved ones consider him a terrible listener.

At some point in your life, being a better listener is a ‘should’ that comes up, say, in a long-term relationship – ‘You never listen to me’ – or with a direct report at work, or even your child. Somewhere down the line, it becomes crucial to connect better with that person, or people. It can be make or break in a romantic relationship – just ask Noughties singer-songwriter Kate Nash.

Thursday night, everything's fine

Except you've got that look in your eye

When I'm telling a story and you find it boring

You're thinking of something to say

-Kate Nash, ‘Foundations’

…and yet you’re without the skills to turn things around. Likely, because no one ever told you that you needed them. Suddenly, your lifetime efforts to make yourself heard aren’t good enough. Enter: listening skills.

How to be a better listener