Introducing... The Coulds!
This is your weekly round-up of inspiration, links and resources around a single theme.
Curiosity is a quality we tend to undervalue in and of itself, yet we heavily praise, even marvel at, its results. ‘Oh, how do you know about that?’, we might ask someone, astonished by their inside knowledge of, say, rocks or French rap – that is, unless they are a geologist, or a Marseilles-based rap artist. And the simple answer is, of course, that they were curious about something. Curious enough to develop a non-vocational, extra-curricular interest in it.
There’s something gorgeous about the way curiosity lights a person up from within. Once you learn to value this quality in someone, it really doesn’t matter whether it’s invested in rocks, or French rap, or Richard Osman. Curiosity is the celebration of something endogenous – a word typically employed in medical contexts (but let’s steal it) which means ‘originating from within’. No one knows what makes your brain click into gear for a particular topic, or why the hairs on the back of your neck stand up when you heard a certain genre of music. If I was going to be spiritual about it, I would start talking about souls – and how our intrinsic curiosities point to their uniqueness. But I don’t think anyone follows this publication for budget New Age philosophy, and if you do, you’re in the wrong place.
Curiosity is not a magic trick, however much we treat it like one. But it is something our forever-digitally-connected lifestyle is at odds with. Why process a thought, when an audible or visual distraction is never far away? Why question anything further than face value, when Google has all the obvious answers? Why ‘why’ at all? It gets in the way and slows things down.
Yet, whether we acknowledge it or otherwise, we are constantly asking questions of ourselves, of the world and our place in it. What is my purpose, which way to happy, how do I stop myself feeling alone? In a world constantly thrusting the answers into our hands, we accept the most readily-available. Purpose is found in the workplace, through productivity or professional accolades; happiness is much the same + heteronormativity; and feeling less alone means fitting in at the expense of your slightly nerdy passion for rocks.
The way I see it, curiosity is our best tool for living a life beyond The Shoulds. This isn’t the same as just rejecting conventional wisdom for the sake of it, like a stroppy teenager. There’s a lot to be said for the tried and tested. Sometimes, as much as it pains me to type this, your parents are right. But cultivating curiosity, a muscle memory for the things that inspire you, energise you, light you up from within – that’s a positive way to approach those external factors with a few priorities of your own.
And, with that, welcome to the first instalment of ‘The Coulds’, which will be a regular, weekly segment dedicated to, well, curiosity. As I’ve mentioned, from this Monday onwards we’ll be tackling weekly themes - so it will be a list of hand-picked resources and insights specifically around that topic (otherwise, it would be chaos). The idea is to spark inspiration, stimulate curiosity and start a conversation in a targeted way – in a way that the internet-at-large, vast and overwhelming as it is, often fails to.
Because this week is un-themed, consider these resources as a more general, ‘further reading (etc)’ addition to this week’s content. The things that have inspired myself, and readers of this newsletter, to get curious beyond The Shoulds. I hope you like it.
The Coulds
Books 📚
Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans: Back in 2017, I came across Stanford professor duo Bill & Dave doing a talk at FutureFest, an annual festival celebrating, well, the future of everything. Designing Your Life is a book that applies ‘design-led’ thinking (inspired by Bill’s academic background in product design) to, well, life. It was the first book that gave me a sense of control over how life “could” look, rather than simply butting up against existing circumstances, and it remains a powerful tool.
Happy Ever After by Paul Dolan: The author, a happiness expert and professor, draws on an impressive range of studies to challenge a broader social ‘Shoulds’, from higher education to charitable giving.
Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert: What if you ‘had it all’, and packed it all in search of a more authentic life? This memoir-turned-film, based of course on Liz Gilbert’s real-life story, is the embodiment of that particular thought experiment.
A Toolkit for Modern Life by Dr Emma Hepburn: Clinical psychologist (and former Alonement guest) Dr Emma Hepburn a.k.a @thepsychologymum addresses the ‘Should Gap’ – the shame-filled gap between what we ‘should’ do and what we do do – in chapter 6 of her first book. P.S. If you’re a fan of Emma’s, do make sure you’re subscribed to receive my upcoming interview with her.
Podcast episodes 🎙
S1, Ep 3 Best Friend Therapy: Shoulds & Oughts: I love this podcast – and never more so than in this episode which is bang on message. Podcaster Elizabeth Day and her best friend, therapist Emma Reed Turrell, discuss the ‘shoulds & oughts’, asking: "‘Why are we so tough on ourselves? Are we addicted to control? What if we let go?’
Donna Lancaster on Happy Place: Donna is the author of The Bridge: A Nine Step Crossing into Authentic and Wholehearted Living. This is a gorgeous, intimate conversation between Donna and Fearne (who also happen to be mates, like Emma & Elizabeth), with an explicit discussion of ‘shoulds’ from 1hr 02 – where Donna identifies the expectations we associate with our shoulds as one of her ‘three thieves of joy’.
Articles/links 🗞🔗
Drop the ‘Shoulds’ by Rick Hanson for Psychology Today: An article from a Senior Fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center which offers practical advice for rewiring your brain towards your ‘shoulds’, through asking yourself questions.
I first discovered Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies personality quiz through hearing her on Dr Rangan Chatterjee’s Feel Better Live More podcast, and found it really useful. It breaks you down into one of four distinct types, based on your balance of intrinsic (ie self-driven) versus external motivation. There’s also a book if you’d like to understand more about your type. I’m a Questioner – what are you? Let me know in the comments.
I adore pretty much everything Arthur C. Brooks (also host of the How To Build A Happy Life podcast) writes for The Atlantic. No doubt you’ll see me including a lot of individual articles from him in this segment – but recently I’ve most enjoyed How To Make Life More Transcendent.
Words of wisdom 💭
I liked this on Instagram from cognitive neuroscientist Nawal a.k.a @thebraincoach, which, similarly to Rick Hanson’s article above, provides practical advice for reframing those ‘should’ statements in our head (and talking back to our inner critics… because sometimes you just need a killer line).
There’s also this quote from old-school American television host Mister Rogers, which is a nice reminder of the value of acknowledging our ‘Shoulds’ (like that occasional leak from your shower tray, Shoulds really do get more insidious the more you ignore them).
There's no "should” or "should not" when it comes to having feelings. They're part of who we are and their origins are beyond our control.
- Mister Rogers
One last thing 👇
This creation, from No Hard Feelings co-author and illustrator Liz Fosslien, speaks for itself. Because who hasn’t fallen into the age-old trap of using a friend’s life decisions as a yardstick for their own? We’ve all been there.
Finally, some insights from subscribers, via Twitter. There were a LOT of responses, so thank you to everyone who weighed in – I loved reading through these!
‘I think sleep is good. Also distracting somehow by going to the movies or similar, or pampering yourself if you have time. All these helped me as sometimes taking things out of focus allows you to have a different perspective, so a distraction is good sometimes.’ - Juan Sebastián Moncayo, 38
‘I think of Oliver Burkeman’s advice, “Choose enlargement over happiness: Will this choice enlarge me or diminish me?”’ - Anna Myers, 28
‘I used an MRI machine a few weeks ago to do this, my only free time! I asked for no music and they were like, “Are you sure? You’ll be in there 40 minutes?” I replied, “I’m looking forward to it.” I had a big decision to make and needed the time!’ - Alice Ashcroft, 26
‘I use a “make a decision” notepad (linked here), weighing up the best and worst-case scenario.’ - Charlie Pears, 36
‘I imagine I'm sitting in a room with three other people. But those people are myself in 5, 10 and 15 years time. All of them are utterly dependent on the decision I take today. I let that settle in for a moment and see if it alters the complexion of things at all!’ - James Janson Young, 42
Loving the new segment Francesca. Curiosity is my reason for being. Thank you for all the wonderful inspiration. Lots to explore on my week off!
I found The Four Tendencies quiz and book really helpful. It took me a while to work out that I’m a Rebel, but once I got there, a lot fell into place. Just one thing I’d add for any fellow Rebels: it’s the type that’s the opposite of Gretchen Rubin’s own, and I think the one she empathises least with. Some of her examples in the book of typical Rebel behaviour are very unflattering and not how I would ever want to behave. I learned more from other Rebels in online discussions. But that said, it was still a very useful book.