Issue #88: How rituals keep us connected

From Friday night dinners to annual holidays, why traditions matter.

I’m writing this week’s newsletter on the plane journey home from an annual holiday with two of my closest friends. This year, we went to Biarritz, followed by San Sebastián. We’ve been doing these trips for so many years that we’ve lost track – since we were all at school. There’s a comfort in knowing that, however busy we are, this is a time when we come together. 

We do this on a smaller scale every month, over dinner at one of our respective homes. The host almost always cooks, we often but not always have wine, and someone brings some variation of ‘berries and chocolate for dessert’. It’s purposefully simple – because, if it weren’t, it wouldn’t be easily repeatable. And repetition is the point. 

Because it’s thanks to these rituals that we connect on a regular basis throughout the year. It’s what marriage researcher and therapist John Gottman calls a ritual of connection: everyday activities or traditions you share that reinforce your bond. A ritual, in that it is a series of actions or words performed in a regular way (the Cambridge University Dictionary definition), of connection in that it’s meant to make you feel closer to one another by virtue of performing it. 

While rituals of connection is a term Gottman uses in his (romantic) relationships advice, it’s equally applicable to relationships in a broader sense. We can see it in pop culture, even: in the innumerable Central Perk coffee gatherings on the sitcom Friends (cue the age-old question of ‘When do they even work…?) or the non-negotiable Friday night dinners at Richard and Emily Gilmore’s in Gilmore Girls, where Rory bonds with her grandparents.