Issue #113: A valuable lesson in putting yourself out there
Inspired by the tale of the Two Cupcake Woman.
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We’ve all heard the crazy ex-girlfriend trope. The obsessive, unpredictable, stalker type; a cross between Baby Reindeer and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.
I think I speak for many women of my generation, and those who came before, when I say that I live in fear of being that crazy ex. The person who put myself forward inappropriately. The one who suggested the mini-break first, or brought up the c-word (commitment), or bought a Border Terrier out of the blue. The most ‘crazy’ thing I’ve ever done was mailing someone a David Bowie wall calendar (there was context, albeit tenuous). It didn’t go down well.
Last weekend, I had a conversation which made me think again. I was at a local pub over the bank holiday weekend, where my friend and I got chatting to the staff: a man and woman, both in their early twenties. For some reason, conversation turned to Bartender Man’s love life. Which is when he told me about Two Cupcake Woman.
He had two women on the scene: Woman A, and Woman B. It had all been plain sailing for a while, but when he decided to tell Woman B about Woman A, disaster struck. Woman B was not happy with the existing set-up. At some point, he was going to have to make a choice between them (apparently not all of Gen Z are polyamorous).
The pendulum of Bartender Man’s affections had swung, as of late, towards Woman A… that is, until he received a surprise package on his doorstep. It was a cardboard box containing two cupcakes. Nestled up against the piped frosting, there was a printed message. It read: ‘You can’t have your cake and eat it.’
Uh oh, I thought – knowing what came next. Poor Woman B. She’s become the Crazy Ex!
But then, the youth concluded: ‘…I thought it was really cool, and now I’m really into her.’
‘Wait, who?’
‘The one who sent me the cupcakes.’
I was mind-blown. He went on to explain how confident and cool it made her seem, that she went to all that effort to orchestrate it. How it put Woman B/Two Cupcake Woman top of the two-woman leaderboard. All because she put herself out there.
It made me think of a modern phenomenon I find fascinating: the sending of unsolicited dick pics.
Every time I hesitate to, say, tell a date I’d like to see them again; or send a professional email putting myself forward for something I’m more than qualified for; or speak my mind in a terse conversation; or enter a writing competition; I remind myself of one simple fact: someone, somewhere, is sending out a close-up of their genitals, entirely unprompted. Presumably, in the hope that the recipient might respond encouragingly in the manner of, ‘I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby!’
What I’m trying to say is: I want just one per cent of that chutzpah.
To clarify, this isn’t a defence of unsolicited dick pics, or indeed the feminine equivalent (not least because cyberflashing has been categorised as an actual crime). Nor am I endorsing delusional self-belief.
It’s simply to say that… there’s a merit in reaching, fearlessly, for what you want, without holding back for fear that you’re not worthy of it. To paraphrase Esther Perel, desire is a form of self-worth. Self-rejection is the opposite.
There’s something heroic about putting yourself out there, even in the rawest and most vulnerable of ways, in the hope it might be rewarded.
And if you fail? Well, at least you tried.
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I really thought this would be about a woman eating two cupcakes alone and how brave that was, so this was a pleasant surprise!
Great story! Which brings us back to the topic of self-esteem and believing that you are worthy and deserve to be at the top of anyone's just, rather than an afterthought!