A Christmas culture guide: Stories of living beyond the 'Shoulds'
From novels to Netflix.
I learnt a new word last weekend: Jolabokaflod. It’s the name given to an Icelandic festive tradition, translated literally as ‘Christmas Book Flood’, where family & friends gather on Christmas Eve to do a gift exchange of reading material (novels, picture-books, cookbooks, textbooks, anything goes). Afterwards, everyone sits down with a cup of cocoa in a cosy setting – a fireplace, warm blankets, candles – to read together in a harmonious hush. It sounds… picture-perfect. Serene. Like the kind of cultural propaganda that could convince me to marry someone Icelandic.
But it also sounds, oh, a touch unobtainable. I suspect most of us would struggle to cajole one’s extended family into a silent reading session the night before December 25th. Not without the tactical administration of sedatives into select cups of cocoa (one to your gregarious great-uncle; one to your mother-in-law; then half a pill each, respectively, to your nine-year-old niece and teething terrier). That, or a monetary bribe.
It’s with a self-administered dose of reality that I’ve veered away from sharing a ‘Christmas book guide’ on this newsletter (although if you’d like one, check out Haley Nahman’s Maybe Baby & Emma Gannon’s The Hyphen). We’ve covered how reading is something we often tell ourselves we’re not doing enough of and I’d rather not add to the pile.
Instead, this is a Christmas culture guide of curated recommendations of all kinds (TV shows, books, podcast episodes, movies) with a single theme in common: they’re all inspired by the title of this newsletter, The Shoulds. Stories can serve as powerful inspiration for living beyond the ‘Shoulds’. Not to make us act in a one way or another, just to give us a better vantage point from which to make our own, informed decisions. To provide role models; versions of how life could look; hard facts and soft suggestions.
I’ve listed 11 of your most common cited ‘Shoulds’, with a cultural recommendation to complement or counterbalance it – sort of like a wine pairing. Happy reading, listening and watching – and do let me know what you think (comments are open on this one!):
‘I should… be nicer to people’
🎙 Anne Robinson on Woman’s Hour, in conversation with Emma Barnett: The rapport between this pair, in the first segment of this recording, is absolutely life-giving. Dubbed ‘The Queen of Mean’ when presenting The Weakest Link, in this episode Anne is an ambassador for being less ‘nice’ – reminding us of the power (and generosity) of owning yourself and being a little rude.
Highlights include:
On negotiating pay as a woman (4m in)
On quitting Countdown – and saying no to more work (2:30m, 4:54m)
Anne complaining (but clearly admiring) Emma’s interviewing technique, calling her ‘quite tricky’ and ‘tenacious’ (6:25m)
On why there need to be more opportunities for older women on screen (7:55m)
Also see: Please Yourself: How to Stop People-Pleasing and Transform the Way You Live by Emma Reed Turrell is a fantastic non-fiction title on this subject (How to Be More Anne).
‘I should be the most qualified person for the job’:
📺 Ted Lasso on Apple TV: It’s the show that’s impossible not to love – unless, of course, you’re Harper Spiller in White Lotus S2. Ted Lasso, which begins with the titular character, an American football coach, getting hired to head up a British Premier League team with no prior experience, is a soothing worst-case-scenario for anyone who’s ever felt under-qualified for a new job role. But Ted is somehow immune to the ‘Shoulds’ of self-doubt. Through his character’s journey, the show champions the power of optimism, innovative thinking and just being bloody nice; a lesson that can be taken into many-a-workplace.
‘I should want to have children’
📚 Olive by Emma Gannon: There are many brilliant reasons to bring life into this world – but doing it because you think you ‘should’ isn’t one of them. In Olive, debut novelist Emma Gannon chronicles the journey of a woman in her early 30s who doesn’t want kids, splitting from her long-term partner as a result of conflicting life choices. You can’t be what you can’t see – and, for those navigating their own ambivalence towards becoming a parent (or even, as a friend of mine who’s a mother commented, looking to support friends who don’t want kids) it’s a welcome experience to have a child-free literary role model. I also recently read The Joy of a Child-Free Christmas in Substack writer Rebecca Hanley's
newsletter, which offers a festive vantage point.‘I should be successful at work’
🎙Ctrl Alt Delete: #373 Daisy Buchanan: When A Dream Job Turns Toxic: In this podcast episode, Daisy – an magazine journalist turned author/podcaster – speaks candidly about the ‘toxic’ relationship between her self esteem and her professional success; the danger of attaching your value to your job title; plus the fear of being judged by her peers in the industry. While her examples are specific to magazine journalism and publishing, this is a wake-up call for anyone struggling to separate their lives from their work.
‘I should fit in with my friends’
📚 Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brene Brown: Central to this book is the all-important distinction between ‘fitting in’ and ‘belonging’.
“If I get to be me, I belong. If I have to be like you, I fit in.”
Fitting in is blending into a group at the expense of feeling like yourself, while belonging is being accepted by the same group for your differences. It’s a simple distinction, but a potentially life-changing one – as it was for Patron Saint of Vulnerability Brene. And it starts from within: Braving the Wilderness proposes (and offers a toolkit for) self-acceptance – ‘belonging to yourself’ – as the pathway to being able to renegotiate your place in the world.
I should… get married
📺 The Split on BBC: For anyone looking to indulge the fantasy life of being a lawyer in dry-cleaned tailoring… Abi Morgan’s The Split is worth a watch for that reason alone. It’s centred around a family of divorce lawyers and their cases, together with the domestic drama in their own lives. It’s a rewarding watch, giving a realistic oversight of marriage & divorce in the 21st century – when it works, when it doesn’t and why. That said, it has its romantic moments – one of my favourite plot lines is the later-in-life relationship of Ruth Defoe, the characters’ matriarch, and long-time family friend ‘Prof Ronnie’.
I should…get married to someone from the same culture as me
📺 Indian Matchmaking on Netflix: How much do shared cultural values matter for love? That’s a question posed by this reality series, which chronicles the professional life of matchmaker ‘Sima from Mumbai’ (or ‘Sima aunty’ to her clients) as she tries to set couples up for the perfect Indian marriage ‘match’. To complicate things further, there are myriad considerations – different religions and/or levels of religious observances, different communities, varying dietary restrictions and geographical priorities. Spoiler alert, a lot of Sima’s clients remain single, despite being the perfect match ‘on paper’. It’s light-watching – but a useful starting point to reflect on one’s own romantic priorities whatever your background.
I should know what I want by 30
🎬 The Worst Person in the World: This film is a gut-punch to anyone struggling with romantic or professional uncertainty in their late 20s/30s, providing no answers of course (because great movies don’t) but artfully chronicling its protagonist Julie’s journey as she confronts the Big Questions, and learns that not everything is within her control no matter how long she takes to consider. I watched this as a press preview in a basically-empty room (ahead of interviewing lead Renate Reinsve), and thank God I did – because I sobbed throughout. Plus, the soundtrack is wonderful.
I should have it all figured out by 40
📚 Confessions of a Forty-Something F##k Up by Alexandra Potter: I picked this up from the ‘book sharing’ shelf at a train station near my parents’ house, and demolished it on the subsequent journey home. It’s a funny, readable novel about Nell, a woman rebuilding her life following a broken engagement and a failed business – but ultimately offers a sensitive panorama of different ‘forty-something’ characters’ all navigating their own issues. There’s also a gorgeous intergenerational friendship at the heart of it with Cricket, the real star of the novel.
I should know myself by 50 (and beyond)
🎙 Marian Keyes is BACK! On The Shift with Sam Baker: I adore Marian Keyes in basically any context, but particularly in this podcast episode, where she reflects in her ever-soothing way on her fifties (she’s currently 59); her deepening love for her mother as she gets older; learning self-forgiveness and why she’s still figuring out her relationship with her body.
I should… do what’s socially-acceptable
📚 Happy Ever After: A Radical New Approach to Living Well by Paul Dolan: The author, a happiness expert, takes everything we’re told will make us happy – money, marriage, monogamy, education, children, charitable giving – and picks each apart based on statistical research. This book breaks apart popular societal ‘myths’ around how to live, ultimately helping us make better, more informed choices. I found Part 2 on personal relationships (‘Should you be monogamous?’, ‘Should you stay together for the sake of children?') particularly interesting, as was the section on Altruism (which highlights the gender differences between charitable giving).
I’ll be following up with my usual Thursday newsletter, so this isn’t a Christmas farewell quite yet. Finally, just a reminder for anyone who’s yet to upgrade their subscription and would like to take advantage of 20% off all paid subscriptions, make sure you do so before midnight tonight when it ends. So if you’d like to support my writing & receive the full subscriber experience at a discounted rate, go go go (you’ll also make my Tuesday)!
Until next time,
Francesca
These are all such brilliant and thought provoking ‘shoulds’. Thank you so much for the mention, it means so much. It’s my first foray into child-free territory and to be in the same paragraph as Emma Gannon and her novel Olive, wow. You have just made my child-free Christmas 🎄
Thank you so much for this, this is such a great piece! I'm finding myself mentally trapped by quite a few 'shoulds' this holiday season, and this was a welcome reminder that we don't always have to live by the frameworks society imposes on us. Added more than a few of these recs to my reading/podcast lists!